Threads are for puppets, not people
by Pomodoridori
Summary: Kisame and Kakuzu are just friends. Until they aren't. Itachi is tired of their shit.


Despite the risk of accidental stabbings, Kisame had decided that he really _liked_ sharing a bed with Kakuzu. It was rare for a ninja, much less for Kisame (whose entire appearance was off-putting to most people), to spend much time huddled close to another person, so the extra physical contact was nice. Say what you like about ninja, but most of them were touch starved, (especially) Kisame.

Unfortunately, Kisame and Kakuzu were split up more often than not. They both had stable partners ( _or, well_ , Kisame mused, _I have a stable partner. Hidan's a little unhinged._ ) and unless Hidan or Itachi or both were down for the count Kisame and Kakuzu almost never saw each other. It would've been disappointing, but Kisame had been prepared for as much and honestly both he and Kakuzu were loners.

It was not long before Kisame had grown used to collapsing in bed after a mission, utterly exhausted, only to smile at the Kakuzu's smell lingering on the blankets and pillows. Of course, most of the time it was just that-the smell- that told Kisame that Kakuzu'd been sleeping there just a few days before. Sometimes there'd be a new book perched on the edge of Kisame's bedstand- normally it'd be some book Kisame had never heard of before, probably a collector's edition, Kisame thought. Kakuzu _liked_ books. Old books in particular.

Finally there came a week when both Kisame and Kakuzu weren't assigned a mission. Kisame decided to spend his first day off washing the sheets and his clothes. Itachi had asked Kisame for help sewing some rips along the underside of his shirt, too. So Kisame had bundled up the laundry, chucked it into the washing machine, and coerced Itachi into following him outside.

"We need the natural lighting so that we can see what we're sewing."

Itachi frowned.

"I don't want you straining your eyes, 'tachi. And mine hurt if I try to do anything precise in this gloom."

"Hn." Itachi followed him out.

It was a clear spring morning- cold, though. Kisame noticed Itachi pulling his cloak close. He handed Itachi the ripped shirt and the thread. "I'm going to run inside and grab our sweaters. I don't want either of us getting sick again." _And your immune system sucks_. Not that Kisame would ever say that to Itachi's face.

Itachi blinked at him and went to sit in the sun.

Kakuzu found them twenty minutes later, with Itachi struggling to make perfect little stitches. Kisame was wearing his favorite blue sweater and hovering. "Tachi, don't yank on the thread, that'll make it bunch-"

Itachi's gaze flickered up and met Kakuzu's eyes as soon as Kakuzu stepped within striking distance. His face got cold and flat. Then he gave an undignified yelp as he drove his needle straight into his finger.

"Tachi," Kisame scolded, "watch what you're doing!" Then he straightened up to turn towards Kakuzu. "Hello, Kakuzu. It's been awhile."

"Indeed," Kakuzu rumbled. "Have your missions gone smoothly?"

"Mm-hm. I even got to go full-out once, which was nice. I hadn't really let loose for a long time."

Kakuzu grunted. Itachi eyed him, although he didn't prick his finger this time.

"Has Hidan been as much of a shit as usual?"

"Yes," Kakuzu replied, "but he did stop trying to kill me two weeks ago. I've finally been able to sleep regularly."

"Oh?" It was then that Kisame noticed Kakuzu's eye bags weren't so pronounced as usual. Although he was glad, he was also suddenly a bit disappointed. Logically, Kakuzu wouldn't need to share a bed with him any more.

"I think he got tired of it after I threatened to stop sewing his body parts back on when he loses them."

Itachi wrinkled his nose. "He loses his body parts?"

"After I chop them off," Kakuzu clarified.

"Ah."

Kisame forced a smile, and didn't bring up the bed situation. He knew it made Itachi uncomfortable enough already.

Still, that evening, Kisame hoped for Kakuzu to show up. Itachi went to bed, after grumbling that he couldn't stand looking at Kisame anymore- the man was too antsy- and Kisame looked forlornly at his bed. He waited a few more hours, hoping for the sound of Kakuzu's uneven footsteps, then sighed heavily and rolled into bed, tucking his disappointment deep into a corner of his chest.

Kakuzu's favorite thing about sleeping next to Kisame was how _soft_ he got. His muscles would slowly relax, and right after his breathing would deepen and settle. After that Kakuzu could very slowly-and gently, so as not to startle him-pull Kisame close. The shark man would be lax and Kakuzu could wrap his arms around him and push his face into the back of Kisame's neck. It was nice. And Kakuzu didn't have to worry about Uchiha, either. The kid was normally asleep by the time Kisame tucked himself into bed, exhausted from the mission and from overusing his eyes. Once, Kisame'd told Kakuzu he was really worried about the kid going blind, or doing something stupid and getting hurt. Kakuzu had simply shaken his head and said, "Kisame, you can't stop Uchiha from doing that. You're just going to have to trust that he's not as much of an idiot as you think." Kisame had grumbled, but didn't add anything and he was asleep soon after.

It was during the dogwatch of the night that Kakuzu arrived. Kisame was asleep already, snoring a little, and Itachi was nothing more than a little unmoving lump under the covers.

Kakuzu walked quietly to stand over Kisame's bed, and gently touched his shoulder to alert him. Several things happened all at once.

Kisame's chakra spiked and the next thing Kakuzu knew Kisame was grabbing for him, kunai pressing up against Kakuzu's throat before Kisame's eyes had even opened properly. Across the room, Itachi's chakra snapped in response, and suddenly Kakuzu could feel the heat of Itachi's red-eyed gaze on his back. Kakuzu's pulse jumped and he felt his dick twitch in his pants. _God damn it._

"Kisame," Kakuzu rumbled. He kept his chakra flat and unthreatening, except for the bit thrumming right beneath his jugular. That chakra was compressed into his skin so Kisame's kunai wouldn't pierce him.

"Oh," the big man breathed, "it's just you." Still, he didn't lower the kunai. Kakuzu could feel his face heating up, and his dick twitched again. _Fucking hell._

"Would you put the kunai down." It was not a request.

Kisame's eyes glinted a little, yellow in the half-light. Kakuzu could feel his pulse hammering until Kisame's chakra abruptly cut off and simmered down. He lowered his kunai, and Kakuzu relaxed his fists, which he'd unconsciously gripped tight, ready for a fight. The warmth was beginning to leave his face. _Good_.

"Kakuzu." It was the Uchiha, voice flat and unamused. Kakuzu was not stupid enough to turn around and meet his blood red gaze.

"Yes?"

"Do not wake me again."

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed and his lips thinned, but he did not protest. The heat of the sharingan faded from his back, and he could hear the blankets shifting as Itachi ensconced himself once more.

"Well," Kisame said, still breathing heavily, "you gave me quite a start."

"I won't do it again." Kakuzu was beginning to feel annoyed, and embarrassed at his previous rush of arousal.

Kisame shrugged. "Good. I assume you want to sleep here again?"

Kakuzu frowned. "Obviously."

Something glittered in Kisame's eyes, but he lost the expression before Kakuzu could properly catch it. "Go on, then. I'll be back in a minute, I've got to take a piss."

Kakuzu grunted, took off his shoes, and lay down on the bed with his back to the wall. The sheets were still warm. _Cozy_ , he thought. And then: _I can't believe I still have that stupid danger kink._ He sighed. Then a horrifying thought occurred to him. _Kisame is the only person who I have that response for, which means…._

"Fuck," Kakuzu said out loud.

"What?" Kisame was back in the room.

"...Nothing." Kakuzu frowned to himself. _I share a bed with someone for a few weeks, and suddenly I want to fuck them? That's awful. Sounds like something out of a cheesy romance novel._

"Hmph," Kisame grumbled. "You looked pained. Budge over, I'm lying down."

And with that, Kisame plopped down onto the mattress and went to sleep.

Kakuzu slept late the next day. He normally got up right before dawn, but that day he didn't even wake until there was sunlight from the window streaming all over his face.

"Ungh," he grunted, and turned his face so it was wedged between the pillow and Kisame's back, effectively blocking the sun. Now that he was awake, though, there was no chance of going back to sleep.

Kakuzu tightened his arms around Kisame's torso just a fraction, and let his eyes roam over Kisame's sleeping form. The man was muscular and very, very blue. Kakuzu had to stop himself from grinning like a lovestruck idiot.

Kakuzu went back to observing Kisame's body.

He had a little layer of fat over his thighs, Kakuzu noticed. The roll peeked out from the top of Kisame's boxers, and his belly was soft, too.

Kakuzu reasoned that Kisame's excess chakra had allowed his body to build fat, because most ninja were skinny little bastards. They ran through so much energy producing chakra it was hard to get a soft belly.

Kakuzu sighed. _Must be nice._

Kisame made a little sound and rolled over. His cheeks were squished against the pillow. And when Kakuzu had the fleeting thought that Kisame fucking adorable, he realized that he was well and truly fucked.


End file.
